i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
