On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
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I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
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You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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