dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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