I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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