I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
