My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
