Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
