I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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