Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
