I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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