Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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