I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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