Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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