i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
