worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
