i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
