ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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