My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
