I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
