Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
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the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
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My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My penis needs a shock collar
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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