my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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