And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
