Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
