True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
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Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
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Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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