you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
