Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
