So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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