I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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