when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
