Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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