I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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