Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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