I am midnight drunk by noon
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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