remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
