Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
