On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
handjob tips. give me some.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
