Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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