My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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