Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
