I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
