Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
