My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
