bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
splinters make it hard to masturbate
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
