I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
