tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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