My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
