ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
