then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
