fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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