cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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