I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
