you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
