Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
