My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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