I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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