I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
