My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
