I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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