my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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