Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
