broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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