thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How naked do you want me to be?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
