I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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