The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
