If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
These tits shall not be calmed
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
