you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
