made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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