I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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